From the Mouths of Padawans

After the success of The Force Awakens, the first in a series of sequels to the beloved Star Wars saga, Star Wars fans worldwide did exactly what was expected of them: Plastered their predictions for the next episode all over the internet. If you choose to look through some of these theories, you’ll see a lot of different opinions and ideas for what will happen in the highly-anticipated sequel, The Last Jedi. However, I implore you not to do so. Look no further for Star Wars movie predictions because of the following list, gathered from a class of kindergartners, contains, without a doubt, the most insightful and creative predictions you could possibly find. You’ll definitely want to take some notes. Without further ado, I present the leading theories among America’s youth about the Last Jedi:

1. Explosive Bromance

The Last Jedi will start out with an action-packed sequence in which Poe Dameron and Finn (inexplicably and miraculously healed) will storm a First Order Base to capture Kylo Ren. Even though they are alone and unarmed, they succeed in their endeavors and bring Ren back to the Resistance base. Here it is discovered that Kylo Ren was just acting out because he was in need of a good hug. He will receive said hug from an undisclosed person-most likely Leia, Rey, or Finn-and will return to the light side. Meanwhile, Luke will refuse to train Rey because he is “SO old and probably really tired and stuff”, so Rey will leave the island and “help blow up Snoke or something”. After Snoke meets his explosive end, there will be fireworks and every will live happily ever after. Definitely no loose ends in this one.

2. R2 is a Traitor

R2D2 is actually a spy for the First Order and has been feeding them information about the Resistance the whole time. Luke discovered this and, unable to bear the fact that his best friend betrayed him in such a cruel manner, fled to live out his life alone. He, of course, didn’t tell anyone that R2 was a spy though. When Rey finds Luke, he tells her the truth before breaking down into tears and throwing himself off of a cliff to his water grave (I sure hope this kid turns out okay. . .). Rey returns to the Resistance headquarters and slices R2D2 into a thousand tiny pieces. It turns out that R2 was the keystone holding the First Order together so when he is destroyed, the First order base implodes and everyone dies. Everyone except Captain Phasma and that cool stormtrooper with the spinning baton from The Force Awakens. They survive because Phasma is secretly also Spiderman and her Spidey sense went off before the base exploded, allowing her and her friend to get away in time. I, personally, love the idea that Phasma is Spiderman and, whatever movie Gods exist, I can only pray that they allow this to come to pass.

3. Boba is Back, Baby!

Boba Fett turns up with a high-powered flamethrower and burns everything to the ground. The First Order, the Resistance, all of it. Boba Fett rules the galaxy now. Oh, you thought Boba Fett died in that sarlacc pit? Think again. He’s back and ready for vengeance. This may be my favorite prediction and I would have zero complaints if this is how The Last Jedi goes down.

4. Finn is F…Finished

Fore note about the child who gave me this prediction: When I first asked him about Star Wars, he immediately launched into a lengthy and well-thought-out explanation about how much he loves Finn and about how Finn is the best character (honestly, same). After I asked him what he thought was going to happen to Finn in the new film, I was thrown for the biggest loop of my life when he said, with complete surety, “Oh he’s a goner. No way he’s gonna survive that back slice. He’s dead for sure.” This child then explained that Luke will put Rey through intense training before joining up with the Resistance. Here, they formulate a plan to attack the First Order and take down Kylo Ren. This plan goes smoothly until they begin to duel with Kylo Ren. They are clearly outmatched by him and are failing miserably when, like an undead white knight, Finn rides in on a speeder and lops off Kylo Ren’s head with a lightsaber. I’m sure you noticed the plot inconsistency here that I did: Didn’t Finn die? I asked this very inquiry to the child in question. Unflinchingly, he explained that yes, Finn did die. However, he came back as a zombie. With superpowers. New and improved zombie Finn proceeds to destroy the entire First Order before riding off into the sunset with Rey to live out the rest of his undead life with her.  

5. Zombie Vader

Darth Vader (possibly also a zombie?) joins Kylo Ren in his attempts to crush the Resistance. Luke doesn’t want to fight Vader again so he just stays on his island while Rey and Finn dive into a fight against him. In the climactic final battle scene, we find out that Darth Vader was actually a good guy the whole time and was tricking Kylo Ren. Vader puts Kylo Ren in “space jail” and then has a nice celebratory dinner with Luke, Leia, Rey, Finn, and Poe before mysteriously disappearing until the galaxy needs him again.

Conclusion

Clearly, these children have bright futures ahead of them and you may want to start making changes to your pre-conceived predictions about The Last Jedi before it comes out on the 15th. I know that Spider-Phasma and Zombie Finn are now at the top of my personal wish list for this movie. Whether or not you agree with these (superior and most likely accurate) Last Jedi theories, enjoy the film and May the Force be With You.